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Sunday, January 8, 2012

How bad?

So, it's late at night and I'm with my husband driving back from our family's house and I started thinking... Here I am CD 32 , 15 DPO, just hoping and wishing that this could be it and I wonder if those lucky ladies that have been blessed with children, know how lucky they are.

For the last two years that we've been ttc'ing, I've had more then my fair share of people that say... "you need to relax", "stop thinking about it", "it will happen when it's meant to". If only people knew how much those words actually hurt.

It's hard for me to describe how much being a mother means to me. As much as one person wants air to breathe, I want a baby. As much as one person needs food to live, I need a baby. As much as one person doesn't want her baby, I'd die for one.

My whole life, I've dreamed of being a mother. I have said, for as long as I can remember, that I wanted enough kids to form my own baseball team. But I don't just want this for me... I want it for my husband, who so desperately longs for his Daddy's Girl. I want this for my parents, who have patiently been waiting for their first grandchild.

Infertility is one of the hardest things I've ever been through (and that says a lot as I am a cancer survivor). So, before you look at me and tell me those very cliche things, take the time to think about how much I'm hurting. How every single day I am reminded that you may have the one thing I want more then anything. Remember, just because I smile, doesn't mean I'm
not dying inside...

Sorry to be a Debbie Downer but I just wanted to be very open and let you all how I feel.

Hopefully I'll update you all soon!


Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Some exciting news...

Hi Ladies,
So yesterday, I posted a bulletin on YouTube letting you guys know that I was pretty sure that I wasn't pregnant (I am CD 28, 11DPO). I just feel like AF cramps are here and I just feel like she's going to be rearing her ugly head within the next few days.  Before you ask, NO, I haven't tested and NO I will not be testing. I always take it way better when AF just shows up instead of taking a pregnancy test and seeing a BIG FAT NEGATIVE staring me in the face. The rejection is easier to take when I just see some spotting. 

I am not really as emotional as I was last cycle. I was very, very relaxed this cycle. I wasn't reading into any signs or symptoms or constantly googling things. I got a pretty lucky 2WW as it fell between Christmas and New Years. 

BUT, like everyone says, It isn't over until it's over!

Anyway, the exciting news isn't obviously that i'm not pregnant but we were looking at our insurance coverage and what our next steps would be and to our surprise, we found out that our insurance covers 90% of fertility treatments (including IVF &IUI  bloodwork, ultrasounds, injectables, and prescriptions)!!!! We are so overjoyed to find out that our journey has a longer run and we don't have to worry about not begin able to afford treatment. 

I'm a little weirded out by my chart. I have had the same temp consecutively for 4 days, then it went down, and then back up for 2 days. Here's a picture and I'd love to hear your thoughts on what you think.

I can't wait to continue our journey and hopefully have a little bundle of joy in 2012!

Happy New Year and Hugs,